Food Crimes

Had I been born Supreme Ruler of the World, I certainly would have outlawed many of the things currently outlawed.  Murder, mayhem, robbery, drugs (sorry, son), having sex with an ugly intern when you are the POTUS, ruining a  perfectly good cigar, etc, but I certainly would add a few. 

Misdemeanor Offenses: Punishable by up to one year of having to eat at IHOP daily.

1. Not knowing who Auguste Escoffiere is and his contibution to your dinner plate. Three month enhancement for not caring.

2. Referring to him as "Augie."

3.Thinking Mario Batali is a chef rather than a restaurateur, huckster of all things cooking related and a one man media circus. (A chef he is not---Ron Popeil watch out. "It dices, slices, cuts, chops, dyes your  hair, etc..." but it can't cook.)

4. Preparing any meal for loved ones when not knowing the difference between a cookbook and a recipe book.

5. Buffets:  offering, preparing or eating at one is a crime.

Basic Felony Offenses:  Punishable by up to 3 years of being banned from any restaurant rated one star or higher.

1. Thinking one of the four (not five) Mother sauces was named  after your mother.

2. Eating meat ---of any sort---- well done, unless you come from Texas where you are excused from knowing how to prepare meat.

3. Preparing boxed potatoes for people you claim to love.

4. Being 40 years of age and not having attended---and eaten at---- the Feast of San Gennaro in NYC.

5. Being 30 and never having eaten properly prepared and served alici.

Major Felony Offenses: Punishable by up to 10 years having to eat only food items that come out of a box.

1. Not knowing the difference between salami and salumi.

2. Selling cheap, nasty olive oil in fancy expensive bottles and referring to it as "e.v.o.o." A waste of 5, 8 or 50 dollars.

3. Speaking of Rachel Ray, admiring her as anything other than a bad actress and flippant debutante of culinary dogma and claiming to like her garish cooking while acknowledging that you will never be sleeping with her.

4. Using cottage cheese---for anything. It is really the garbage curd left over from making butter.  Munch on that with your next diet involving pineapple tidbits.

5. Substituting  Prosciutto Daniele for Prosciutto di Parma.

6.  Believing the Food Network put Giada on our screen as something other than eye candy.  Q: Why does it appear that her cleavage is somehow an important part of the recipe??? By logical extension then, if we all cooked naked would our food taste better??? Sorry, off with their nipples heads!!!!

Capital Offense: Punishment is a  lifetime of eating only in restaurants that specifically cater to pre-pubescent children

1. Putting ketchup (or catsup) on a hot dog, frankfurter or wiener.

2. Putting mustard on a hamburger or anything not a hot dog or a knish.

3. Failing to recognize an emulsified sausage or pretending you are above eating one.

4.  Thinking haute cuisine, nouveau cuisine, classic cuisine, Italian cuisine, good cuisine, or non BBQed cuisine or something other than buzzard on a plate is readily available here in Tennessee.

5.  Erroneously believing that Alabama's newest food campaign ("Possum---the other white meat!")  is a joke.

Major Capital Offense Penalty-No  food that involves olive oil FOR LIFE; NO appeal possible

1. Not knowing what a maitre fromager does.

2. Using a lobster bib when you are older than 10.  Learn to eat.

3. Eating frozen fish when you live within a 100 miles of an ocean.

4. Not knowing how to cook crustaceans.

5. Bringing untrained, whiny, screaming children to a romantic restaurant---on Saturday night no less.