Missing a Rant or Two

Having been a tad busy with work, family and the like, I haven't had my chance to rant recently. So here goes.

As a kid, there appeared to be few "chain" restaurants out there. Yeah, we had McDonald's White Castle, Wetson's and the like but we didn’t refer to then as "chains." Rather, they were "fast food." We had a great number of single owner, mom and pop and family operated restaurants. Food prices at the time ran from $4 to $15 for a decent entree of pasta, veal, pork or steak. Things were prepared by chefs and cooks of every nationality under the sun. The food, by and large, was uniformly terrific. What happened to these restaurants? Did the "mid-priced” chains run them all out? I think so. You know the ones we are talking about: Applebees, Chilis, Olive Garden, Carrabbas, TGIF Fridays and such---owned by huge multinational corporations that appear to weather any financial storm by reducing quality and quantity so the "numbers work." They contract with a "chef-celebrity" and pretend it is quality food prepared by the chef-celebutant. I think these places are terrible on many levels. The old lady known as Mama who cooked at one of my favorites in the Bronx, Louis', would never dream of such. If the price of Broccoli Rabe was too high, she didn't serve it.  If the clams didn's smell right, she didn't buy them. She didn't stretch, cut corners, or worse yet, cheat. Now we have "production managers" and "food assemblers" and kids putting themselves through school serving a prepackaged, prefrozen, self declared culinary masterpiece.  These are not chefs and cooks at these monolithic chains where the food is literally factory made, cryo-vaced and sent in frozen from every corner of the world to these so called "family and neighborhood restaurants.” Their staff have degrees in management and accountancy rather than in the culinary arts. We settle on this as food??? Why? They are literally numbing our taste buds with flavorless, boring food. Do some good: Take a stand. As Nancy Reagan would say: JUST SAY NO! Avoid them at all costs. Let them know that we don't settle for a pasta and vongole, where the pasta had never been in the same room with a live clam; that they can’t sell essence of polpo. I want a big ol' piece of octopus in a fra diavolo.

I tried to explain this to a few not too bright folk the other day and apparently, liking to be led around by the nose by those more blinded than them, they suggested that "not everyone can eat at expensive restaurants." Clearly these folk missed the point: A well run family, chef owned restaurant can and usually is less expensive than these chains. These restaurants do nothing more contribute to the “dumbing” of America's culinary education and expectations. Think about the last time you had a memorable meal (or an inexpensive one) at one of these chains??? Go ahead it’s a Brave New World out there----find a privately owned restaurant and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

More Mis-labeled Food

Although I am desperately trying not to have this blog turn into a food critic's page, such is becoming more difficult.  Another rant.  If  a chef is going to change the main ingredient of a traditional dish, PLEASE tell your customers.

With the arrival of fall, one of my favorite dishes, ossobuco alla milanese, makes a greater and grander appearance on menus. My wife and I headed to a local establishment, the Chop House,  for a weekday night out dinner.  There it was on the menu:  ossobuco.  A cool crisp fall evening just cried out for braised veal with a sultry gremolata. Had to go there. What was on my plate when served was not veal ossobuco, but rather pork ossobuco. In other words,   braised fresh ham hock---not a veal shank.  I would not say  I was disappointed but surprised that I had no warning that that chef opted to go with pork rather than veal and not inform this guests. (Then a horrific thought:  Perhaps  Tennesseans think ossobuco is supposed to be made with pork????) Should I inform them that traditional ossobuco is made with veal????? Is this another reason why Tennessee is certainly a "different" kind of place, if you know what I mean.  BTW the dish was terrific but not as expected.

A few days later, having theatre tickets, we headed out to Nashville for an early dinner and a show. Tried a restaurant we had yet to venture into,  The Bound'ry.  Again, on the menu was my yearned for ossobuco.  Karen, our supremely professional server, looked at me like I was nuts when I asked if it was veal rather than pork ossobuco. "Veal, of course, with a fork placed right in the marrow for your convenience" she responded.  Embarrassed  I had to inform her that we recently were surprised with a pork hock rather than a veal shank and once bitten twice shy. Chefs should learn quickly that changing a dishes ingredients is fine and they should not limit their creativity---just let us know before we order. Labeling is really, really important in my opinion.  By the way, the Bound'ry is, in our opinion, one of the best restaurants in Nashville.

I Love Creativity....but not with Surprises

A friend from Rhode Island was coming to visit for a few days and I hooked up with a local pal to make dinner plans in Nashville.  A few drinks and dinner then a tour of the Broadway honkey tonks for live music was the game plan.  Reservations were suggested at Sambuca's and at 8:30 we were there.  Interesting decor and ambiance but my first impression was a throwback to the 1980s:  Brass, ferns and countless yuppies throwing around big bucks for mediocre food. As I trust my Tennessee  friend's judgment emphatically, I hid my frown of concern but for a while I felt out of place not wearing a three piece suit with a pinky ring and pretending to be a rich investment banker. Sambuca's has rebranded the 1980's theme as "Sensually Sophisticated" and the live music and some wonderful fusion jazz was indeed welcome. The waiter was reasonably knowledgeable with enough pretentiousness to border on unearned snobbery--but again think the 80's---people liked that.  His training perhaps was obtained at a local Meat and Three.  More on him later. Sambuca's menu is that of an an eclectic steakhouse with a couple of trendy and certainly mislabeled menu items.  For instance "deconstructed sushi " as an appetizer.  The concept of deconstructed food is appalling in my opinion but more importantly isn't "deconstructed sushi," nothing more than sashimi?? Enough bastardization of accepted nomenclature, in my opinion. I noticed the Blackened Red Snapper Etouffee on the menu and decided to inquire.  Upon questioning, the waiter assured me the Snapper was fresh.  I allowed him to lie to me outright, and being in a sporting mood and wanting to see how far he would go to sell a piece of fish, I asked him to please check.  A few minutes later he dutifully returned informing me that the Snapper was fresh and recently caught out of the Gulf. Well, I reasoned, another lie as the Gulf's Red Snapper season has been closed since August 1.  OK they were going with it being blackened and in an Etouffee, and I thought,  it would be fine even if it was frozen, so there I went. Now you're right I didn't neglect the possibility of farm raised redfish-----but they offered Red Snapper not Redfish and the former are not farm raised, so I was confident I was being served frozen fish.  Just to let him know I was somehow confident that the fish was frozen, I asked if they even owned a freezer.  We both knew the answer.

At any rate, the mislabeling part comes from the use of the term "Etouffee."  The dish, although marginally passable, was served with a side of dirty rice and spinach. The fish was a fairly large filet with an unidentifiable sauce of some sort.  Although the provenance of this vitreous liquid was unclear, I was confident it did not involve a roux.  Nor did I ever see what appeared to be a "disassembled" Etouffee: A couple of shrimp, a lump or two of crabmeat and fish---with the sauce separated from its constituent components. At a minimum, they should have called it something other than an Etouffee. An "Etouffee Variant" perhaps? I hate creativity with surprises.

Interesting Way of Serving Food

Well it seems that it has been a while since I have picked on some Tennessee folk, and I was having withdrawals.....

Before moving to Tennessee I thought I was well traveled and certainly well experienced in the culinary arts---the eating part of the art that is. I have been traveling on business it seems for well over 25 years and can't think of a major city in America  that I haven't dined in. Like the Food Network's popular show Diners, Drive Ins and Dives and  I thought I had eaten in places that only few people would believe existed.  From roadside stands in Guatemala to places called EATS in the middle of nowhere, to some of the finest restaurants in America, I have been there.  Then we came to Tennessee to discover something called a "Meat and Three." Never heard of them and had no idea what they were until my sister in law, a local Tennessean, thought I was "ready" to expand my gustatory horizons.  Recognizing I was a full fledged food brat and an all around pain it the neck when it comes to food, she knew full well that I would research the restaurant's provenance, the chef and the owner before agreeing to meet her for dinner in one of "Tennessee's best."

To solve this problem and not wanting to watch me pout, she refused to tell us where we were heading and insisted that we meet in a Big Box parking lot not too far from the restaurant. We cautiously followed.  We ended up at a classic "Meat and Three."  I was told it was the best in Middle Tennessee.  I started to wonder what the worst looked like.  Well, apparently the plan here is something akin to a buffet where you pick a meat and then three or two sides.  Only here, they serve you tableside.  Meat choices involved such delicacies as meat loaf, "broasted" chicken, chicken fried steak, hams slices, etc.  You get the picture.  The sides offered were fried okra, mac and cheese, string beans (that lost their color years ago), mashed (boxed) potatoes and puree of something that once was a vegetable.  Of course the service is appropriate for the kind of restaurant it is, and they do push the desserts.  By this point, my appetite, such that it was, was long gone and I had no intention of eating more----or there again or any other "Meat and Three." Garbage by any other name is still garbage......

And Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread....

Is it me or have we forgotten our history?  Our culture? Our sense of decorum? Why is it that at too many restaurants we need to ask for bread, then butter, a tapenade or olive oil.  When it arrives, it is not bread in the sense of a fresh, yeast driven pane of texture and flavor.  More often than not it involves either something more akin to Wonder Bread or related to shoe leather as the baker, today for some reason felt increasingly inspired to expand his baking horizons with the inclusion of Gorilla Glue, seeds of some sort, marbles and small stone-like ingredients as if we as humans needed a gastrolith. He then calls it "hearty."  Go to hell.  Expand your horizons with some acid like we did in the 70's.  What is wrong with flour, yeast, water, salt, sugar and some heat  (and steam) and make some bread that has a chewy crust---with semolina on the bottom----and a hot delicate texture chock full of oolitic-like voids of absolute yumminess. Keep your raisins, apples, granola, pears, bananas, nuts, fruits, candy, tree bark, bird feet, candied fruits, organic cow turds and anything else the hell out of my bread. If my bread baker wants "inspiration" they should go to church.  Make bread---- not dessert and don't give me the "its organic, you'll love it" BS.  Hell, nicotine is organic too and I'm quite certain it is a poor addition to food.

Food Crimes

Had I been born Supreme Ruler of the World, I certainly would have outlawed many of the things currently outlawed.  Murder, mayhem, robbery, drugs (sorry, son), having sex with an ugly intern when you are the POTUS, ruining a  perfectly good cigar, etc, but I certainly would add a few. 

Misdemeanor Offenses: Punishable by up to one year of having to eat at IHOP daily.

1. Not knowing who Auguste Escoffiere is and his contibution to your dinner plate. Three month enhancement for not caring.

2. Referring to him as "Augie."

3.Thinking Mario Batali is a chef rather than a restaurateur, huckster of all things cooking related and a one man media circus. (A chef he is not---Ron Popeil watch out. "It dices, slices, cuts, chops, dyes your  hair, etc..." but it can't cook.)

4. Preparing any meal for loved ones when not knowing the difference between a cookbook and a recipe book.

5. Buffets:  offering, preparing or eating at one is a crime.

Basic Felony Offenses:  Punishable by up to 3 years of being banned from any restaurant rated one star or higher.

1. Thinking one of the four (not five) Mother sauces was named  after your mother.

2. Eating meat ---of any sort---- well done, unless you come from Texas where you are excused from knowing how to prepare meat.

3. Preparing boxed potatoes for people you claim to love.

4. Being 40 years of age and not having attended---and eaten at---- the Feast of San Gennaro in NYC.

5. Being 30 and never having eaten properly prepared and served alici.

Major Felony Offenses: Punishable by up to 10 years having to eat only food items that come out of a box.

1. Not knowing the difference between salami and salumi.

2. Selling cheap, nasty olive oil in fancy expensive bottles and referring to it as "e.v.o.o." A waste of 5, 8 or 50 dollars.

3. Speaking of Rachel Ray, admiring her as anything other than a bad actress and flippant debutante of culinary dogma and claiming to like her garish cooking while acknowledging that you will never be sleeping with her.

4. Using cottage cheese---for anything. It is really the garbage curd left over from making butter.  Munch on that with your next diet involving pineapple tidbits.

5. Substituting  Prosciutto Daniele for Prosciutto di Parma.

6.  Believing the Food Network put Giada on our screen as something other than eye candy.  Q: Why does it appear that her cleavage is somehow an important part of the recipe??? By logical extension then, if we all cooked naked would our food taste better??? Sorry, off with their nipples heads!!!!

Capital Offense: Punishment is a  lifetime of eating only in restaurants that specifically cater to pre-pubescent children

1. Putting ketchup (or catsup) on a hot dog, frankfurter or wiener.

2. Putting mustard on a hamburger or anything not a hot dog or a knish.

3. Failing to recognize an emulsified sausage or pretending you are above eating one.

4.  Thinking haute cuisine, nouveau cuisine, classic cuisine, Italian cuisine, good cuisine, or non BBQed cuisine or something other than buzzard on a plate is readily available here in Tennessee.

5.  Erroneously believing that Alabama's newest food campaign ("Possum---the other white meat!")  is a joke.

Major Capital Offense Penalty-No  food that involves olive oil FOR LIFE; NO appeal possible

1. Not knowing what a maitre fromager does.

2. Using a lobster bib when you are older than 10.  Learn to eat.

3. Eating frozen fish when you live within a 100 miles of an ocean.

4. Not knowing how to cook crustaceans.

5. Bringing untrained, whiny, screaming children to a romantic restaurant---on Saturday night no less.

Bacon: A Major Food Group?

Bacon, in my opinion, should be a major food group in and of itself.   (They should put me in charge of rearranging that stupid pyramid, but we'll discuss that in another post.) We have regular bacon, whatever that is, thick cut, slab, fake, real, flavored, smoked, streaky, green, Irish, Canadian, Italian (pancetta) and even bacon made from parts not from the much maligned pork belly.  A few tips on nomenclature.  Bacon is made from the pig's belly, at least here in America.  Bacon not made from the belly is so labeled, like jowl bacon, which is made from the pig's cheek, also known as guanciale.  Bacon is cured and smoked.  Pancetta is cured and dried---but not smoked. Canadian Bacon is the loin also known as back bacon---not the belly. Irish bacon is  from the loin and is similar to Canadian bacon, but not quite.  Streaky bacon is what folk from the UK call American bacon.---which you really can't find in America. Green bacon is not quite bacon---just cured pork belly---unless it is green Irish bacon, which really isn't bacon at all, as it is the loin and also known as back bacon.  Got that?  Now makin' bacon is easy.  I learned after experimenting with  recipes found in Michael Ruhlman and Brain Polcyn's Charcuterie. It is truly not hard to cure and smoke some of the best bacon you've ever eaten.  Start with a piece of pork belly.  Now if your not fortunate enough to live near an organic pig farmer, don't go nuts looking for it, just head to a local Asian market---but buy the best you can find---nice milky white fat with enough meat to make it worthwhile.  Cut it in 1-2 pounds squares, cure it for 5 to 7 days in the refrigerator and smoke for a few hours and you'll never be burdened with that store bought stuff again.  Now, this sounds easy but there are many ways to cure bacon, with an unlimited array of spices, flavorings, ratios and many more ways to smoke it. Make sure the internal temperature of the belly hits 165 in the smoker and you're all set. Lots and lots of recipes and formulas out there--and there are few limits.   I leave that to folks to experiment with.  My first bacon venture tasted more like a salt lick than bacon, but experimentation and trial and error helped.  Whatever you do, never cook bacon in a microwave---it's just wrong and should be a food based capital offense.

Now if you want to learn about bacon, go here or here or here or here or here, but for $30..00 Charcuterie will teach you all you really need to know.  There  are even fairs, clubs and bacon groupies out there.  Contrary to what a cardiologist may say to you, massive amount of salt and pig fat are good for you. Really. I wouldn't make that up.  Think about it---if cardiologists are so darn smart why is heart disease still the leading cause of death??? Cardiologists are really the folk that could not get into podiatry school. Go ahead eat the bacon, ignore the docs.